Today I felt as though I had to rant and I feel that I can truly be myself when I am typing away on blogger and 'letting it all out'. So here I am .. again.
I feel like I bottle everything up and then I have these awful few days/weeks that make me feel like nothing is going right etc!
My main reason that I feel truly myself here is the fact that I don't have one friend to confide in. I had this conversation with Michael the other day and you know when you cry so hard and its a real sobbing cry and you find it hard to be quiet or to even catch your breath? .. Thats the sort I had.. All because of how things are now to how they were when I was around 17 Years old.
So Ive come here because I feel like I can write everything down without feeling bad about putting any of my worries on anyone else.
When I was in my teen years, I used to be the centre of attention.. the one who made everyone laugh, the one who had the house parties.. the one who had everyone over day or night.. I used to have so many different friends from school, Drama school, college and out and about!.. Now? ... I literally have one or two people who I think I could talk to about my issues but don't because I'm worried what they might think or they have their own issues to deal with.
I wake up, go to work, come home, stay in and then go to sleep, EVERY single day.. or if I'm poorly, Im on the sofa or in bed watching tv not having anyone to text or get in touch with..
It makes me so upset knowing that I literally have no-one .. Yes I have Michael and my mum and family etc but it would be so nice to be able to have someone who I can be close friends with. Someone who I can talk to daily.. send memes to, make memories with.. I miss having people over to have laughs and share things with.. someone who I can trust.
Other than friendships, My illness stresses me out so so much and like I said at the beginning, I kinda bottle it all up and then I end up feeling like shit and wanting my life to end.
I take ONE tablet EVERY night.
It doesn't make me lose my hair.
It doesn't make me look weak.
It doesn't make me look poorly.
But all them things don't mean that I don't have cancer.
It makes me feel like I've got to look poorly, Ive got to have no hair for people to truly understand that I am poorly and I am on chemotherapy every single night.
I do feel extremely weak and I certainly have my bad days but I try my hardest to get on with it.
Ive got to get on with it.. who else is going to pay our debt? Who else is going to clean my house? Who else is going to pay my bills, my rent, my car finance.. Who's going to pay for the food and drinks that I need ? ... NO ONE.
I think its absolutely disgusting that I cannot get ANY help whatsoever all because the government think that Michaels wage alone will cover everything we need.
Thats a load of shit.
I HAVE to work and keep pushing myself because we literally cannot afford to live. We can hardly afford to live with me just doing 17 hours a week on top of his 40.. and then what will happen? .. ill have pushed myself too much to the point I won't be able to work anymore and we will probably end up bankrupt or on the streets.
I have a life long illness and I will have to be on chemotherapy for the rest of time, when will I ever get a break ? .. Probably never.
I shouldn't have to be worried about money when I've got my health to worry about for life.
I feel useless.. I feel like my life is just going round in one big circle and its not changing anytime soon.
Im fed up of this life and I am fed up of struggling every single day.
When will I stop feeling worthless .. when will this all end?
