I smile when I don't want to smile.

Chronic Myeloid leukeamia

Fighting Cancer for the rest of my life

I smile so people think I'm okay.

I smile so people think I'm happy.

I smile when I don't want to smile.

I smile so people think I've got everything under control.

Its called a mask.

I wear this mask EVERY DAY to make it that little bit easier.

It hides all my aches and pains, my insecurities and my worries.

Every night I take chemotherapy to make my blood levels 'normal' .. as normal as they can get..

People say...

'Its only a tablet you have to take'

'Surely taking a tablet for it means its not real chemotherapy'

'You look healthy enough'

Ive also had the..

'Your not poorly though, You haven't lost your hair, Your not weak like other cancer patients'

Not all disabilities are visible.

My bones constantly ache which makes me weak.

Im tired and don't have as much energy as I used to which is why I have naps most days.

I can be throwing up for no reason at all because my body has chemotherapy going round it constantly.

My hot flushes are the worst. My cheeks feel like their on fire!

My vision goes blurry every now and then.

My hair has thinned and I have a small bald patch.

I could go on for a lot longer with what I get..

Every morning I wake up and the first thing I think of is if I feel okay today..

If the chemotherapy has settled in my system over night..

If I'm going to manage the day with my mask on..

I have one MAJOR side effect with my chemotherapy and it happens between the hours of 5:30 - 9:30 EVERY SINGLE MORNING.

Only my family and closest friends know about this.

It makes it hard for me to plan holidays knowing between these hours I will be no use to anyone.

It makes it hard for work to work around my hours.

It makes it hard for me with mostly everything.

Every day is a constant struggle but I do it.

There are people far worse out there than me so I just carry on.

There are others who are in hospital.

At least I can carry on with day to day life.

So I keep this mask on.

My fears...

Will my chemotherapy stop working?

Will my illness change to the next level.. if it does, what will I be facing?

Will I always feel like the odd one out?

Will I live till I'm old and wrinkly?

Will I be able to have children?

Will I ever have just one day where I forget I have cancer and go back to how I used to feel?

I'll never be able to say I'm cancer free.

I don't want to bottle all this up. I would rather talk about it.

People have said to me myself and to other people about how much I talk about it but you don't know how much it affects you until you've gone through it.

Its not just the physical part you go through, its the emotional part too.

I have never said and will never say that I'm the only one who's poorly or come across that its only me that people need to be concerned about because I know I'm not.

I have friends who are worse off than me and there are many more people in the world who are fighting every last second for their life.

This is just how I cope. 

Opening up my laptop and typing everything that I want to say out loud but can't.

I want to make people think more about others and respect more.

Like I said above, Not all disabilities are visible.

Be kind to everyone you meet.

<3